A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
