How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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