Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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