when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
