I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
