I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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