so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
