Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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