i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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