I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
