You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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