Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
