carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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