I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
