Got a toothbrush?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
