You can't motorboat a personality
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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