ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
