Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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