He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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