happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we're making bets on your personal life
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
