do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
