Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize