I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize