My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
