Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
