My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
