I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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