Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
