I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
