God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
