Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
