The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
