wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
