no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize