i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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