I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
40s are totally the cure
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
