I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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