The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
