Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
