please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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