Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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