dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
