I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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