I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
