is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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