Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
