She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
