If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
