Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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