Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
