he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
