you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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