I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize