And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize