You made me cry and you don't even care
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize