all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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