I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
