I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
there was a trapeze. enough said
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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