fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
