Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
