may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize