Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
